(must
be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one
piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet.I say you no
understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna
plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma
bitch.
Later
I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife
but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell
her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock
on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me
sonna ma bitch.
So
I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the
manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no
understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you
sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go
to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say
piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
SOUP
DU JOUR
A
man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order,
and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chilli,"
she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The
man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As
he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl
of chilli remained uneaten.
"Are
you going to eat your chilli?" he asked.
"No,
help yourself," replied his neighbour.
The
man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When he
got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the
bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back
into the bowl.
The
man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
A
LITTLE PUSHY
A
man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's halfpast three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls
over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't
you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So,
he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door
and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner
long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi
there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No,
get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the
man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what
happened.
She
remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night
we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby
sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd told ustoget lost?"
"But
the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It
doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would
be nice to help him."
So,
the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He
hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please. Where are you?" shouts the
homeowner.
The
stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
DIFFERENT
STROKES
Two
friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow
noticed that his partner had only one golf ball.
"Don't
you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy
replied that he only needed one.
"Are
you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose
that ball?"
The
other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose
it so I don't need another one."
"Well,"
the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes
in the lake?"
"That's
okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to
retrieve it."
"Well
what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes
and shrubs?''
The
other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf
ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no
problem."
Exasperated,
the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes
down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do
then?"
"No
problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is florescent.
I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally
satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey,
where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The
other guy replies, "I found it."
The
Magic Slide By Nick
Fisher
There
was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman, and they were taking a long,
leisurely walk through the Yorkshire Pennines. After a few hours, they came
across a ragged old man, standing next to a slide. They approach the old man
and ask him why he is standing by this slide.
The old hermit looks up at them with beady eyes and says, "I am the
Keeper of the Magic Slide. Whoever slides down it shouting out the name of the
object they want more than anything else in the world will land in it when
they reach the bottom."
Thinking it would be a good idea to do this, the Englishman, Scotsman and the
Irishman take turns to go down the slide. The Englishman goes first, and as he
starts to go down the slide, shouts out "Money!", and to his
astonishment, he lands in a huge pile of money.
Next, the Scotsman takes his turn, and shouts out "Women!", and to
his astonishment, he is caught at the bottom of the slide by a group of
beautiful women.
Finally, the Irishman takes his turn, and shouts out "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
as he comes down the slide....
EMERGENCY
EXIT
A
Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the
roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to
jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette,
"Jump!
Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps
and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams
into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon!
Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh
no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No!
It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK,"
says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof.
Again,
the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No
way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No!
Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look,"
the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're
not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the
blanket down, and back away from it..."
MALPRACTICE
A
couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed,
the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at
his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just
allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all
right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, "he replied breathlessly as
he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his
crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his
pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked
him, "How does that feel?"
To
which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell!"
VAN GOGH'S FAMILY TREE
After
much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh
had many relatives. Among them were:
His
dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The
brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The
brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The
brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The
cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His
magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His
Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The
Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The
nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The
constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The
ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
the
bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His
nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The
fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An
aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The
little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A
sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His
Italian uncle: Day Gogh
And
his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
UNSPOKEN
WORDS
Things
You Will Never Hear A Woman Say:
1.
I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.
2.
Biologically my body is built to serve you and nothing else.
3.
Oral sex is my favourite hobby.
4.
During my bad week, I'll get you a hooker.
5.
Does this make my butt look too small?
6.
PMS is just a myth.
7.
That guy has great breasts.
Things
You Will Never Hear A Man Say:
1.
I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.
2.
Sure she has a great body, but how's her personality?
3.
Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
4.
When Bambi's mother was shot I cried.
5.
Forget the game, Oprah's on!
6.
It's your decision.
7.
I care.
Two
statues in the park
For
decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a
city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.
"You've
been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going
to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty
minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his
hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The
two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide
grins on their faces.
"You
still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning
even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on its
head."
Four
guys and their sons
These
four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the
clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to
the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for
himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns
his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last
year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The
second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car
salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in
fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.
"
The
third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As
the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been
discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the
truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies.
"For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently
discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be
good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand
new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Irony
Three
men die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "we're very busy today. you may
enter heaven only if you have died a horrible death". So he asks the
first man what his horrible death was. He replied, "well, I thought that
my wife was cheating on me. So I went home one day to see if I could catch her
in the act. I went inside my 25th floor apartment and I noticed that the patio
door was open. Some man was hanging on the ledge. I stepped on his fingers. He
finally fell into some bushes. I wanted to make sure he was dead so I threw my
refrigerator on top of him. I went back inside and was so excited about
everything that I died of a heart attack". St. Peter says, " that is
a horrible death, u may enter". He turns to the second man and asks,
"how did u die?" the man replies, "well, I was exercising
in my 26th floor apartment on my treadmill when I slipped and fell to the
patio ledge below mine. I was hanging on the ledge with my fingers the best I
could. Then some man came out and started yelling and screaming at me, then he
started stomping on my fingers. I had to let go. I fell into some bushes
below. Then a refrigerator fell on me and killed me". St. Peter replies,
"wow! that is a pretty horrible way of dying!" he turns to the third
man and says, "what was your horrible death?" he answers,
"well, I was screwing my girlfriend when some madman came in. she told me
to hide in the empty refrigerator".
By
Domo
(Over
here, in Hawaii, everyone teases the Portuguese. Except we call them Portugee.)
There
was a Japanese, a Filipino, and a Portugee who were all told they were all
stuck in the desert. They found a genie bottle and they were each granted one
wish. The Japanese wished that he could be back home. The Filipino wished that
he could live in a mansion somewhere in Hawaii. The Portugee wished that he
could have a car door. Why? Would he want a car door with no car attached?
Here is what he said, " So that when it gets hot, I can roll down the
window!"
By
MaiaViglione
Ok three
girls go into a fun house and Ya know those weird mirrors well one could Talk!
But if you told a lie it would suck you in! Ok so the Brunet wentin and
said "i'm Beautiful" and it sucked her in! Then the Red head went in
and said "My Boyfriend Loves me!" and it sucked her in! Then the
dumb blond went in and said "Let me think"and it sucked her
in!!!!!!!!!!GET IT!?!?
Did
you hear about the blonde? By Shan Smith
1)
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
2)
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
3)
She tripped over a cordless phone.
4)
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice cartoon cos it said
concentrate.
5)
She studied for a blood test.
6)
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
By
Joan Schofield
Bill
Clinton was in his private Jet. He said to the pilot "I'm going to make one
person happy and throw this one dollar bill out the window". The pilot says
"No, no no no no, here is a five dollar bill. Throw this out the window and
make five people happy". He was about to throw it out when the pilot said
"No no no no, here's a 20 dollar bill. Throw this and make 20 people
happy". He was about to throw it out when the pilot said to use a 50 dollar
bill. "Throw this out the window and make 50 people happy". He is
about to throw it out when the pilot says "I know how you can make
everybody happy...all you have to do is jump out the window".
By
Michael Tarca
A
duck walks into a post office and says do you have any corn?
He
says no, this is a post office. So after ten days he keeps coming back and
asking him the the same thing and the post office person says if you don't stop
asking me if I have corn I will nail youe beak to the counter. So the next day
the duck comes back to the post office and says, do you have any nails? the guy
says no, the duck says, good, do you have any corn?.
